I learned today that some students are dirtbags who have no purpose in life and should be killed. I had assigned an essay asking students to write about me and some students used that as an opportunity to blame me for their own miserable lives. I asked for the truth but I didn’t get it. Instead I got comments like: “You are the worst teacher I have ever had.” and “I am deeply afraid of you.” and “You need serious counseling.” over and over again. Obviously some scumbag is playing a joke and orchestrating this slander campaign, and I intend to get to the bottom of it. I began by giving everybody an F on their essay and then counting their essay for 100% of their final grade. I explained that “sincerity” was the only requirement and that I was deeply disappointed to read so many insincere thoughts. Sierra asked how I could be sure that the essays were insincere. “Because they were mean,” I said. “Nobody is sincerely mean because nobody wants to feel anger and hatred all of the time. Happiness is our true nature, so the only sincere thoughts are the ones that express gratitude and kindness and appreciation and awe.” The class sighed, but agreed to do another draft. I can’t wait to read them!
It’s Christmas vacation and I have over 150 essays to grade. If I give each essay 5 minutes of my time that is more than 10 hours of work that I do not get paid to do. Of course I am a professional and I take my job very seriously so I have developed a formula for grading papers in less than 20 seconds. First I read the name, then I scan to see how long it is and that they have paragraphs. Done. I don’t need to read a word. That’s how good I am. You see, the trick is that the name tells you everything. If it is an A student, chances are they wrote an A paper. F students sometimes rally at the end so that is when I take the length and paragaphing into account. Now give me another glass of wine and turn on the football game!