When my mother was seven she got a dog named Poochie and when I was born she called me “Poochie”, too. When I was thirty, Mother told me that I lived up to my namesake because I never left home, lived off others and farted all day. The day she died Mother told me to find someone to take care of me. So I found Li Xiu on eHarmony, but she didn’t speak English and that didn’t last. Now I go to the park and watch the squirrels with friends. Sometimes the white van comes and brings us sandwiches.