Today I showed the class a video of a dog named Willow who has learned how to read (http://youtu.be/FRtUlrYw2fw).
“If this dog can learn how to read then you can learn how to read”.
But Mariah said that she knew how to read better than any dog.
I said, “Really? Translate this: ‘Bark! Bark! Bark!'”
Coby raised his hand: “That means somebody is at the door.””
I laughed. “Idiot…No!…Bark! Bark! Bark! means I need to go outside to urinate.”
“Bark! Bark! Bark! doesn’t mean anything,” Mariah said smugly. Mariah thinks she knows things, but she’s just a bitch. I hate people who challenge me. Then little bald Ross squeaked: “I doubt that dogs use words like ‘urinate.'” which he said because he is trying to get into Mariah’s pants. But then the entire class was yelling at me for being a retarded teacher and I had to run into the staff bathroom to wash my face and gather myself.
When I came out I was angry. I needed to assert my authority over the class. So I did what I always do: gave an impossible high-stakes test: “Translate this:
Bark! Bark! Bark! Growl! Snuffle, snuffle, snuffle.”
Some people guessed that it meant “Go fuck yourself!” which was almost right and close enough for credit, but they had forgotten to write their names, so everyone got zeros.
Race the Clock